As Sue and I meandered around Southern Ohio and Northern Kentucky surveying flood damage, we stopped and talked to some folks at a biker wing joint.
The kitchen was closed (due to flooding).
They were surprised that we made it as far as we had along the river.
We chatted about the weather, road conditions, eventually the subject shifted to the veteran/first responder suicide epidemic.
Pfft.
I mentioned “It has little to do with the battlefield. That’s moral injury.
It has more to do with my upbringing and the inability to process shame, grief, and trauma effectively.
Instead of processing shame in a healthy manner, I learn to store and hide it, like most people.
That’s why people eventually commit suicide, storing and hiding shame, eventually my cup runneth over.”
I had the room’s attention, so I pushed forward.
“One of the things I didn’t know that I didn’t know was, I didn’t know what love felt like as an internal emotion.
I had shut off access to that emotion a long time ago when I was a little kid. I had it that love leads to betrayal and not to be trusted.
Or peace.
I didn’t know that I didn’t know what internal peace actually felt like.
I was trained to conquer and collect reward, no time for peace in my life.
When I discovered that issue, I wanted more. I wanted more love and more peace.
It’s the best stuff, I tell you.
Better than anything else I’ve ever found out there.
I asked a guy the other day if he felt loved and nurtured by his parents when he was growing up. He paused for a while and then said ‘I think so.’
I asked him ‘Is that a calculated answer based on the weighing of evidence? A person who felt loved doesn’t have to calculate a response, they just already know.’”
I noticed they were just staring at me.
I figured they were either looking inward and examining their own life experiences or possibly thinking I was completely insane.
Maybe both.
Either was fine with me.
I handed them all my card, which they took.
I said “We’ll be back after this weather clears up. Gonna head out before the road floods over, which, it’s gonna,” and we left.
They have wings, so for sure, we’ll be back.
