I don’t try to control my thoughts. I notice that I’m paying attention to them and either feed the energy of those thoughts by dwelling on them or I can intentionally shift the focus of my attention onto something else (such as my breath).
If there is one thing I have control over, it is in deciding what my active attention is focused on.
It is a decision I have to consciously make, however. If I am not consciously paying attention, my mind will typically just dwell on the thoughts that my brain is creating, like watching TV.
I have tried to control or silence my internal thoughts in the past (as when meditating), and that only led to frustration and me internally yelling at myself, “You can’t do anything right!” (I’m an Adult Child, so I can mentally kick my own ass like a UFC fighter with my internal thoughts).
By reading and talking to wise people, I started understanding what my internal thoughts actually are.
My internal thoughts are just my brain computing.
That’s what a brain does. It “thinks” and calculates, looking for options and solutions to life’s problems (or “perceived” problems, rather).
I heard one teacher state that he considers his own internal thoughts a “garbage can,” that anyone or anything can throw stuff into, and then my brain starts calculating or contemplating whatever went into my garbage can.
I can’t control who or what throws something in there, so it’s more like one of those public trash cans out on the street.
Boy, I bet a lot of sketchy stuff ends up those things…
The “output” of my brain’s calculations, or ideas about the thing it just got exposed to (or some random person tossed into my trash can) appear inside my mind as my internal “thoughts.”
I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are just the output of my brain examining or calculating. My internal thoughts are just my brain doing its thing, which is thinking.
I often describe my own spirit as the part of me that is choosing whether or not to have my attention focused on my internal thought, and deciding if those thoughts are “true or false.”
I am “the little decision maker inside the meat-puppet”, the ball of energy that’s animating this thing I call a body.
I cannot get my brain to stop thinking, either.
As I’ve come to find out, getting my brain to “stop thinking” is not the goal of mediation.
When my brain stops “thinking,” it will be most likely because I am dead. That’s when it is supposed to shut off and stop thinking.
Sleeping is like grabbing a power cord, plugging in the internal organic computer I call a brain, and letting the screen saver (dreams) kick on while it goes into sleep mode and recharges its batteries.
So I’ve decided that I am not my thoughts, nor can I get my brain to stop thinking without experiencing horrible side effects (death).
A problem I had due to these realizations was I could not get my brain to stop fueling and filling my head with anxiety-inspiring thoughts.
These internal thoughts are things beyond my control.
“So, what do I do?”
The serenity prayer tells me I should focus on the things I can control.
There is one part of my thinking brain that I can control, and that is controlling exactly what I am deciding to focus my attention on. That is something I can control.
It’s sort of like breathing. My body does this function automatically unless I decide to take over manual control. So it is with “focusing my attention.”
My brain is very helpful, too. That seems like a stupidly obvious statement. My brain’s desire is to assist me in achieving success in all of my endeavors that I decide to focus on.
It learns, notices what I am focusing my attention on, and tries to make whatever I am focusing on easier to focus on.
It tries to make sense of everything coming in through my five senses, casts judgments, evaluates, calculates, and tries to figure stuff out that I am focusing on (or feeding it information about).
That’s why it’s “thinking” all the time. It’s working hard for me, trying to help me.
For example, my brain will notice when I shift the focus of my attention to “what that person just said over there.”
Photo by Brad Gallup
If my brain notices that I shift the focus of my attention onto “that conversation over there,” it will start to spend energy to make whatever I am focused on easier. It will even screen out background noises and other conversations going on to make that particular conversation that I am focusing on easier to hear.
It’s trying to make sense of what I am choosing to focus on by wrapping “meaning” around the data coming into it.
Sometimes, in personal conversations, my brain gets too eager and starts formulating a response to whatever is being said even before it’s done being said.
That’s a very bad listening habit, by the way.
I had to catch myself doing that and breaking that bad habit.
That involved reciting to myself, “Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand,” several times and actively catching myself.
The brain eventually learns/remembers that I don’t like focusing attention on formulating responses while actively listening, so after a while, it starts to conserve that energy and stops volunteering to do it so often.
My brain notices “Hey, he’s focusing all of his attention on this particular conversation.”
Internal thoughts: “What did that guy just say? What do you think he means by that? Is whatever he is saying a threat to my sense of self? What game is he playing? How shall we respond to this? Well, we could retort and say ____.
And then another option is to punch him in the nose, maybe? Hey, it’s an option. Let’s see what that option looks like. Create an internal movie of me actually punching him in the nose and let’s see how that plays out. Let’s watch that…”
//begin internal visualization of me punching that guy in the nose.
Now, I don’t usually act on those thoughts. I don’t go around punching people in the face. I mean, not much. At least not anymore…
Usually, I’ll catch myself focusing on things that I deem to be incorrect (such as punching a guy in the nose) and shift the focus of my attention away from my thoughts, onto my breath for a couple deep breaths, and then back to the conversation.
There’s a verse in the Bible that says “resist the devil and he shall flee.”
When I catch myself dwelling on negative thoughts, I catch myself dwelling and manually shift my focus down to my breath.
In the background, my brain senses, “Oh, snap! He just took control and shifted his focus. He obviously doesn’t like the option of punching that guy. Stop giving that thought energy, shut off the internal visualization systems…”
By the time I shift my focus back to the conversation, my brain is no longer feeding me such negative thoughts.
This technique has kept me out of jail on several occasions…
I am not my thoughts. I am the one listening to my thoughts, deciding whether or not to dwell on them, and deciding whether they are true or false. That’s who “I am.”
“I am”: The Little Decision Maker Inside The Meat-Puppet
I am not “my brain.”
My brain is just this mass of molecules inside my skull designed to think, and control other bodily functions. Some of these functions it takes care of on it’s own without my involvement, such as maintaining flow.
Other functions require my direct control (such as punching someone in the nose).
Some functions go back and forth, like blinking and breathing.
I can close my eyes if I want to, but if I happen to fall asleep while doing so, my brain will make sure that I continue breathing while I sleep.
The brain produces thoughts as “output” to its calculations of stimuli input.
It takes all of the information coming in through my body’s senses and tries to wrap meaning around that incoming data.
“That’s the color red. The air is chilly. I hear music. I smell bacon. This coffee is delicious.”
One thing the brain is not good at is making decisions based on this incoming data.
It can wrap meaning around the data, but it doesn’t do well with making decisions about what to do with that data on its own.
That’s my job.
That’s where “I” come into the picture. My sense of “self.”
I am not my brain, nor am I this body it’s housed in. I am not even my thoughts. I cannot be anything that “I” notice because “I am” the one that’s doing all the noticing. Get that?
When I think of the question “Who do I think I am?”, I can get very deep with this, perhaps another blog post for another day.
Who I ultimately am is the part of me that is noticing the output of my brain (my thoughts) and making the decisions of what to do or how to respond to them.
I take responsibility for the decisions that I make.
When I realize this to be true, congratulations. I’ve woken up.
I am now taking an active role in my own life, instead of being a zombie following memorized routines on auto-pilot like a lot of people (like I once was).
Before I go, I would like to add that when I dwell on my internal thoughts, obliviously unaware (as if in a trance), my brain notices that I’m focusing on the output of my thoughts, and it gets excited.
“Hey! The boss is really paying attention to us now! Hit the nitro button, and let’s take advantage of being in the spotlight! More thoughts! Make them louder!”
Dwelling on one’s own internal thoughts obviously can cause them to become louder, and that brain of mine does not operate by the same Moral Code that “I” have chosen to follow.
Not being able to separate one’s sense of self from one’s internal thoughts can lead to trouble and misfortune in life.
If you’ve suddenly become consciously aware of yourself, gaining internal mental peace from those thoughts does take practice.
I’m not telling you people what to do, but what I’ve done for myself that has helped is create a daily practice of Warrior Meditation®.
For me, the Warrior Meditation® is as important as brushing one’s teeth or putting on deodorant before leaving the house. I don’t like to leave the house or interact with others until I do those things.
If I interact with others and have not mediated in a while, I’m going to be more moody, quick to anger, offended, resentful and prone to letting my brain run amuck.
Essentially, without mediation, I revert back to that crazy asshole I was before I was taught to meditate. Even I thought that guy (old me) was an asshole.
Understand that dwelling on internal thoughts and letting them run amuck has become a life-long habit, and it may take some practice to turn the volume on those internal thoughts down and regain control.
Another thing I found that helps tremendously:
Another thing that I have found that helps lower the volume of my internal thoughts and allows peace to flow where the noise pollution of my internal thoughts once dominated is going through a twelve-step program.
I’ve been through a lot of them, and it almost doesn’t matter which one you choose. I’d recommend choosing one that applies to something one is actually struggling with.
If I struggle with alcohol, make it A.A.. Narcotics, N.A..
Are you codependant? Most all of us are to some degree, so, maybe pick that one.
Whatever one you choose, just make sure to do it thoroughly and with some integrity (never lie to yourself), vulnerability (get down to the nitty-gritty), and authenticity.
The reason I recommend a twelve-step program (and don’t really care which one, just get started) is that in every twelve-step program that I’ve been through, there has been this underlining principle to process trauma and LET GO of resentments and regrets.
The resentments and regrets are typically baggage that I’ve picked up throughout my life and am still hanging onto. These are anchor points in my mind that keep me dwelling in the past (where there is depression).
When I process those (by making amends/offering forgiveness/letting go), it frees my brain from adding the ramifications of all of those into my internal thought processes.
Remember, my brain is always trying to help me in all of my affairs, so as long as I continue to hold onto that baggage, my brain is going to project that baggage into all of its often erroneous calculations/predictions of future events (where there is anxiety).
By taking responsibility for my past, the anchor points of my past baggage loosen, and my brain starts lessening its predictions of similar events in the future.
Basically, my depression and anxiety levels drop, often tremendously.
Add that to daily meditation practice and me catching myself when I’m dwelling/feasting on internal thoughts (forcing myself to be present/breathe); eventually, a peaceful mind became my natural state of being.
Anyway, that’s just what I do. I’m not telling you people what to do…
